In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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