I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
