I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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