so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
