Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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