well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
