just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
