a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
