Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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