just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
