i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
