i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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