i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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