Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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