Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
