I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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