New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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