sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think your dad took our porno
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
