i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
