sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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