some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
