Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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