I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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