I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
