it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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