I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
