I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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