My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
