Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
