Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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