So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
