dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
