So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i dont even know how to be here
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
