Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
