apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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