Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
