I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
