Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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