My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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