Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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