hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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