I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
