Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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