This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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