I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
