Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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