I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
