My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
