I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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