No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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